I own my words, thoughts, and reactions.

     I don't like Mother's Day. I should. I practice being nice and kind and wonderful to people (even those I don't "jive" with). Mother's Day is touchy with me. It wouldn't be so bad if people weren't so in-my-face-about. I get it from all ends. I get the, "Oh Mother's Day must really suck for you because, you know, your mom is dead." I get the, "Don't worry, you'll be a mother one day" speech. And of course the, "Your mom would be so proud of you" speech. Those only come out on holidays like these, the rest of the year, people could care less.
     My mother and I had a very strange relationship. All through middle school and high school we hated each other. We fought. We thought each other was wrong all the time. And we never agreed on anything (especially when she grounded me for inappropriate behavior that never happened!!!!). After high school, I was 2 hours away and things got better. After college, I was 1,500 miles away, and life was GREAT. After Florida, I moved home and well, things were stressful. I was needed every minute of the day, by either her or my job. It took me almost three years to figure out what was going on.
     My mother was an alcoholic. Yep, that's right, I said it. I'm not suppose to, but anyone with half a brain knows. So while I was home from Florida, it was my job to take care of those things she could not. When you live on your own for so long and come home to that, it's crazy. You don't know what is going on because, well, it's your mom. How do you say no? But I've come to find out, that most parents don't ask for their child to repay them for their lives. It has taken a long time for me to figure this one out. And because of it, I have gained some really bad habits along the way.  Taking care of things my mother could not take care of has trickled down into almost every relationship I have... I find myself taking care of things that are not mine to take care of. I worry about how everyone else is going to make it through the day. But what about me making it through the day? How in God's name am I suppose to make it through any day.
     Saying, "No" or, "That's enough" or, "I need help" are extremely hard for me. I have struggled and tried many different options in trying to change. It hasn't been until lately that I have been able to fully practice doing what it is that I want.
     There is a saying that I have to say to myself about 50 times a day. I say it when I wake up. When I get in the car. When I walk into work. When I have to talk to someone. When I have an issue with a child. When I think about the store. When I do almost anything, I have to say this phrase, "I own my words, thoughts, and reactions. I don't own your reaction to them. I don't own you words, thoughts, and reactions. I do own my reaction to them." Besides repeating this phrase over and over again, I try to practice yoga on a regular basis. Lately I have been slipping because of work and the store, but soon I will have my freedom to practice daily. The practice of yoga isn't so much a getting in shape type of deal (though we all know I could probably use the extra exercise). It more of a, "It's Jackie time and no one else can disturb me." I find myself always doing things for other people that I sometimes forget about myself. Or I find myself working so much that I forget that I was put on this planet to more than be a servant.

     Sometime I think about often is something the Dalai Lama pointed out. Through this saying, I have been able to step back and look at where my life has been. I work so hard to get money to buy nice things... I work so much I get sick... I get sick and can't work... I have no money because I couldn't work... the cycle repeats itself, and then there is no time for me and 28 years later I feel as though I have not accomplished much...  Time to change