It's been a while - whoops.
Summer is a hectic time for me. I have the ice cream shop. I have yoga. I have a house full of cousins, dogs, and family. Getting time on the computer is not really option (unless I'm paying some bills - lame).
I am engaged now to the best man in the world - Luther. I am so excited to start my life with him. We have planned for June 22, 2013 in the woods in Harwich.
I have much to report on but yoga is calling!
Friday, September 28, 2012
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
I own my words, thoughts, and reactions.
I don't like Mother's Day. I should. I practice being nice and kind and wonderful to people (even those I don't "jive" with). Mother's Day is touchy with me. It wouldn't be so bad if people weren't so in-my-face-about. I get it from all ends. I get the, "Oh Mother's Day must really suck for you because, you know, your mom is dead." I get the, "Don't worry, you'll be a mother one day" speech. And of course the, "Your mom would be so proud of you" speech. Those only come out on holidays like these, the rest of the year, people could care less.
My mother and I had a very strange relationship. All through middle school and high school we hated each other. We fought. We thought each other was wrong all the time. And we never agreed on anything (especially when she grounded me for inappropriate behavior that never happened!!!!). After high school, I was 2 hours away and things got better. After college, I was 1,500 miles away, and life was GREAT. After Florida, I moved home and well, things were stressful. I was needed every minute of the day, by either her or my job. It took me almost three years to figure out what was going on.
My mother was an alcoholic. Yep, that's right, I said it. I'm not suppose to, but anyone with half a brain knows. So while I was home from Florida, it was my job to take care of those things she could not. When you live on your own for so long and come home to that, it's crazy. You don't know what is going on because, well, it's your mom. How do you say no? But I've come to find out, that most parents don't ask for their child to repay them for their lives. It has taken a long time for me to figure this one out. And because of it, I have gained some really bad habits along the way. Taking care of things my mother could not take care of has trickled down into almost every relationship I have... I find myself taking care of things that are not mine to take care of. I worry about how everyone else is going to make it through the day. But what about me making it through the day? How in God's name am I suppose to make it through any day.
Saying, "No" or, "That's enough" or, "I need help" are extremely hard for me. I have struggled and tried many different options in trying to change. It hasn't been until lately that I have been able to fully practice doing what it is that I want.
There is a saying that I have to say to myself about 50 times a day. I say it when I wake up. When I get in the car. When I walk into work. When I have to talk to someone. When I have an issue with a child. When I think about the store. When I do almost anything, I have to say this phrase, "I own my words, thoughts, and reactions. I don't own your reaction to them. I don't own you words, thoughts, and reactions. I do own my reaction to them." Besides repeating this phrase over and over again, I try to practice yoga on a regular basis. Lately I have been slipping because of work and the store, but soon I will have my freedom to practice daily. The practice of yoga isn't so much a getting in shape type of deal (though we all know I could probably use the extra exercise). It more of a, "It's Jackie time and no one else can disturb me." I find myself always doing things for other people that I sometimes forget about myself. Or I find myself working so much that I forget that I was put on this planet to more than be a servant.
Sometime I think about often is something the Dalai Lama pointed out. Through this saying, I have been able to step back and look at where my life has been. I work so hard to get money to buy nice things... I work so much I get sick... I get sick and can't work... I have no money because I couldn't work... the cycle repeats itself, and then there is no time for me and 28 years later I feel as though I have not accomplished much... Time to change
My mother and I had a very strange relationship. All through middle school and high school we hated each other. We fought. We thought each other was wrong all the time. And we never agreed on anything (especially when she grounded me for inappropriate behavior that never happened!!!!). After high school, I was 2 hours away and things got better. After college, I was 1,500 miles away, and life was GREAT. After Florida, I moved home and well, things were stressful. I was needed every minute of the day, by either her or my job. It took me almost three years to figure out what was going on.
My mother was an alcoholic. Yep, that's right, I said it. I'm not suppose to, but anyone with half a brain knows. So while I was home from Florida, it was my job to take care of those things she could not. When you live on your own for so long and come home to that, it's crazy. You don't know what is going on because, well, it's your mom. How do you say no? But I've come to find out, that most parents don't ask for their child to repay them for their lives. It has taken a long time for me to figure this one out. And because of it, I have gained some really bad habits along the way. Taking care of things my mother could not take care of has trickled down into almost every relationship I have... I find myself taking care of things that are not mine to take care of. I worry about how everyone else is going to make it through the day. But what about me making it through the day? How in God's name am I suppose to make it through any day.
Saying, "No" or, "That's enough" or, "I need help" are extremely hard for me. I have struggled and tried many different options in trying to change. It hasn't been until lately that I have been able to fully practice doing what it is that I want.
There is a saying that I have to say to myself about 50 times a day. I say it when I wake up. When I get in the car. When I walk into work. When I have to talk to someone. When I have an issue with a child. When I think about the store. When I do almost anything, I have to say this phrase, "I own my words, thoughts, and reactions. I don't own your reaction to them. I don't own you words, thoughts, and reactions. I do own my reaction to them." Besides repeating this phrase over and over again, I try to practice yoga on a regular basis. Lately I have been slipping because of work and the store, but soon I will have my freedom to practice daily. The practice of yoga isn't so much a getting in shape type of deal (though we all know I could probably use the extra exercise). It more of a, "It's Jackie time and no one else can disturb me." I find myself always doing things for other people that I sometimes forget about myself. Or I find myself working so much that I forget that I was put on this planet to more than be a servant.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Puppies
I have two dogs, Brady and Ferguson. Each dog has his own story, and each dog will always be my puppy no matter how old they get (but remember, my dogs are special and will live as long as I live).
Three years ago I moved back from Jupiter, Florida. A year prior to that I came to the Cape for a visit and met Luther. We have only been separated once, for 6 months, as he waited patiently for me to finish out the winter season in Florida and move home. Once back, Luther and I moved into his sister, Sophie's, house while his other sister, Emily, was on an all summer road trip with her Fiance, Mike (try to keep up here). That first summer back was really hectic. I went from making a lot a week to not very much at all. I worked all the time and was tired. My mother at the time was working at our ice cream store, the Lil' Caboose. Something that summer felt really odd. I was tired, stressed, and had heart burn all the time. My mom was being a weirdo and no one could put there finger on it.
On September 20th, 2009 I received a phone call at work from my dad. Mom and dad had an argument, everyone was upset. I called my mother to see what was going on. She didn't sound too good. I wished her a goodnight and told her to get some rest and I would see her in the morning. This was the last time I ever talked to my mother. I went to the house the next day, it was beautiful out. You couldn't have asked for a better day. I walked into the house and immediately knew something was not okay. I'll save you the details, however, Mom had passed away that night. Most likely of a heart attack at 50 years old. She was diabetic since she was 4yrs old, and her body just couldn't handle it.
In between funerals, my mother had two of them, one in Worcester and one on Cape Cod, my father mentioned that he was determined to get another dog. My mother didn't want any more dogs, and since she was gone, dad wanted another one. We went to the rescue league, Dad and I, and looked at all the dogs. There were so many, but a lot of them were old, and barked a lot, and were jumpy. We don't do jumpy in this family. We came to the end of the row, and there was the black dog. He looked like he was 7 or 8. He sat quietly and starred at us. He put his paw up, and wagged his tail. His sheet said his name was Brady, and he was 2 years old. Poor guy must have been through hell and back since it looked like he was so old. He wasn't ready to be adopted and it said to ask about him at the front desk. We went to the desk and lady said that he had already been adopted but she would take our number in case something happened. My dad was disappointed. We didn't go and look for dogs after that.
After my mother's death, I was put on a low dose of something for anxiety. I couldn't sleep without it, but I also couldn't wake up. It was terrible. I tried so many times to not take it, but then I never slept.
A month and half later, my phone rang. The rescue league had said that Brady's adoption had fallen through. They asked if we were still interested and to come and check him out. My dad was off Cape so Luther and I went. Brady came out and we took him for a walk. He was so skinny, and his hair was so gross. It was falling out EVERYWHERE. We brought him back in, and Donna asked when we wanted to take him home. I was so shocked I didn't know what to say. We went back the next day, picked up Brady, and brought him to Sophie's house where he continued to shed over everything and sleep on my lap. We never told dad that we got him, it was a surprise. When dad finally got to the Cape, Luther pulled up in his car next dad and Brady was sitting in the passenger seat like a child. It was awesome.
Brady's story is that he was rescued from TN as a puppy. He was adopted by someone in Chatham. The person in Chatham has a mental break and left Brady outside with no food, water, shelter, nothing. People around town were coming over to feed him whenever they could. He had flees and scratched ALL of his hair off. At one point he was a hit by a car. Poor dude. Within a few months of our loving care, Brady grew a full beautiful coat, and gained enough weight to look like a normal dog. The first night we brought Brady home, I stopped taking the medication for anxiety. Brady was rescued on the day my mother passed away. He is the last gift I have received from my mother. I have not taken the medication since. Brady calmed me down. He loved me so much even though he had just met me. He is my son.
6 months later I started working all the time. Luther did too, and so did Dad. I felt bad leaving Brady by himself. We brought him to the rescue league so they could check him out. They were so happy that Brady was doing so well. He looks 100% different now. While there, Donna asked if Brady wanted a friend. I said, "Absolutely, as long as his friend is as good as Brady. I won't take a crazy dog." 2 weeks later I had a phone call from the Rescue League again. They had just got in another dog name, "Fur". Fur is dumb name so they changed it Ferguson. They asked if I wanted to go and meet him. How can you resist a name like Ferguson? I had to go see. I brought Brady with me, and my cousin Shelby. Ferguson came strutting, and I mean STRUTTING, out. He looked just like Brady, but a little dumber. Ferguson came right over to me and leaned on my legs. We took him for a walk and leaned on me the whole time. Brady and Ferguson played together, Brady was excited. Ferguson however, at the time was a little fat, and therefore got tired really quickly. 3 days later, Ferguson was mine.
Ferguson's story: He came from one of the Carolina's. I'm not quite sure which one. He was left in a kitchen with 16 other dogs. He was incredibly afraid of men, and still is sorta. He's kind of full of anxiety, and everything scares him. He eats really fast, and Luther and I figure that it's because he lived with so many dogs, that he had to eat really fast. We think Ferguson was beaten, he has nightmares. At night, Ferguson has to snuggle with me. He gets a little weird if he doesn't. When I get really busy some weeks and finally get to sit down, Ferguson will come and sit on top of me and I can read his mind, "Okay Mom, you have not spent any time with me and I am not okay with this. You will love me RIGHT NOW! I am sitting on you and you have no where to go!" Ferguson is a little love bug. He is my son. Ferguson was also famous last year. He made it the Cape Cod Times! Check it out! It's called, "Does the Pooch Need a Chiropractor?" He had a full page story of himself with beautiful pictures!
Brady and Ferguson, despite how awesome they are, are little trouble makers. Brady enjoys eating Uggs. He thinks they are stuffed animals. When you come home, Brady always greets you! He brings you gifts, like pieces of my plants, socks, and leaves. Ferguson eats EVERYTHING. He has eaten: full bananas, bread of any loaf, pizza dough, chocolate covered gummy bears, duraflame logs, tin cans, dog poop, knitting needles, game pieces, whole avocados, sandwiches left unattended, and he likes to destroy Brady's stuffed animals. Don't have time to pay attention to Ferguson? Well, he's going to poop right next to you, and it's going to be big, and smell really bad. In his mind, "That'll teach ya!" Despite their bad habits, they are so good at heart, really. I am never lonely. I never cry alone. They are very protective of us. I always have fun with them. Their favorite thing to do: Car rides with the windows down. You can't go wrong. They also like fetch, belly rubs, and snuggle time. They are also fans of TV shows.
My puppies are amazing, even when they are being bad. Brady is now going to be 5 this year, and Ferguson is going to be 3 or 4, I'm not sure. I have made a promise to keep them safe for the rest of their lives. They brighten my entire day. They have taught me so much. They have taught me to love no matter what. To be patient. To make time each day to have fun. To find joy in the simplest things. When you are upset, to take a break, and then revisit the situation. To always be comfortable (even if it includes eating mom's Uggs and rolling all over the stuffing). To never break a promise. You can learn so much from a four legged friend. I have two. I would never change that. I love them so much. I suggest you try having your own, especially a rescue dog. How cool is it to make a difference in a dogs life?! I know that my pups appreciate it. I know they feel loved and cared for. In return they have changed our lives just as much as we have changed theirs.
Three years ago I moved back from Jupiter, Florida. A year prior to that I came to the Cape for a visit and met Luther. We have only been separated once, for 6 months, as he waited patiently for me to finish out the winter season in Florida and move home. Once back, Luther and I moved into his sister, Sophie's, house while his other sister, Emily, was on an all summer road trip with her Fiance, Mike (try to keep up here). That first summer back was really hectic. I went from making a lot a week to not very much at all. I worked all the time and was tired. My mother at the time was working at our ice cream store, the Lil' Caboose. Something that summer felt really odd. I was tired, stressed, and had heart burn all the time. My mom was being a weirdo and no one could put there finger on it.
On September 20th, 2009 I received a phone call at work from my dad. Mom and dad had an argument, everyone was upset. I called my mother to see what was going on. She didn't sound too good. I wished her a goodnight and told her to get some rest and I would see her in the morning. This was the last time I ever talked to my mother. I went to the house the next day, it was beautiful out. You couldn't have asked for a better day. I walked into the house and immediately knew something was not okay. I'll save you the details, however, Mom had passed away that night. Most likely of a heart attack at 50 years old. She was diabetic since she was 4yrs old, and her body just couldn't handle it.
In between funerals, my mother had two of them, one in Worcester and one on Cape Cod, my father mentioned that he was determined to get another dog. My mother didn't want any more dogs, and since she was gone, dad wanted another one. We went to the rescue league, Dad and I, and looked at all the dogs. There were so many, but a lot of them were old, and barked a lot, and were jumpy. We don't do jumpy in this family. We came to the end of the row, and there was the black dog. He looked like he was 7 or 8. He sat quietly and starred at us. He put his paw up, and wagged his tail. His sheet said his name was Brady, and he was 2 years old. Poor guy must have been through hell and back since it looked like he was so old. He wasn't ready to be adopted and it said to ask about him at the front desk. We went to the desk and lady said that he had already been adopted but she would take our number in case something happened. My dad was disappointed. We didn't go and look for dogs after that.
After my mother's death, I was put on a low dose of something for anxiety. I couldn't sleep without it, but I also couldn't wake up. It was terrible. I tried so many times to not take it, but then I never slept.
A month and half later, my phone rang. The rescue league had said that Brady's adoption had fallen through. They asked if we were still interested and to come and check him out. My dad was off Cape so Luther and I went. Brady came out and we took him for a walk. He was so skinny, and his hair was so gross. It was falling out EVERYWHERE. We brought him back in, and Donna asked when we wanted to take him home. I was so shocked I didn't know what to say. We went back the next day, picked up Brady, and brought him to Sophie's house where he continued to shed over everything and sleep on my lap. We never told dad that we got him, it was a surprise. When dad finally got to the Cape, Luther pulled up in his car next dad and Brady was sitting in the passenger seat like a child. It was awesome.
Brady's story is that he was rescued from TN as a puppy. He was adopted by someone in Chatham. The person in Chatham has a mental break and left Brady outside with no food, water, shelter, nothing. People around town were coming over to feed him whenever they could. He had flees and scratched ALL of his hair off. At one point he was a hit by a car. Poor dude. Within a few months of our loving care, Brady grew a full beautiful coat, and gained enough weight to look like a normal dog. The first night we brought Brady home, I stopped taking the medication for anxiety. Brady was rescued on the day my mother passed away. He is the last gift I have received from my mother. I have not taken the medication since. Brady calmed me down. He loved me so much even though he had just met me. He is my son.
6 months later I started working all the time. Luther did too, and so did Dad. I felt bad leaving Brady by himself. We brought him to the rescue league so they could check him out. They were so happy that Brady was doing so well. He looks 100% different now. While there, Donna asked if Brady wanted a friend. I said, "Absolutely, as long as his friend is as good as Brady. I won't take a crazy dog." 2 weeks later I had a phone call from the Rescue League again. They had just got in another dog name, "Fur". Fur is dumb name so they changed it Ferguson. They asked if I wanted to go and meet him. How can you resist a name like Ferguson? I had to go see. I brought Brady with me, and my cousin Shelby. Ferguson came strutting, and I mean STRUTTING, out. He looked just like Brady, but a little dumber. Ferguson came right over to me and leaned on my legs. We took him for a walk and leaned on me the whole time. Brady and Ferguson played together, Brady was excited. Ferguson however, at the time was a little fat, and therefore got tired really quickly. 3 days later, Ferguson was mine.
Ferguson's story: He came from one of the Carolina's. I'm not quite sure which one. He was left in a kitchen with 16 other dogs. He was incredibly afraid of men, and still is sorta. He's kind of full of anxiety, and everything scares him. He eats really fast, and Luther and I figure that it's because he lived with so many dogs, that he had to eat really fast. We think Ferguson was beaten, he has nightmares. At night, Ferguson has to snuggle with me. He gets a little weird if he doesn't. When I get really busy some weeks and finally get to sit down, Ferguson will come and sit on top of me and I can read his mind, "Okay Mom, you have not spent any time with me and I am not okay with this. You will love me RIGHT NOW! I am sitting on you and you have no where to go!" Ferguson is a little love bug. He is my son. Ferguson was also famous last year. He made it the Cape Cod Times! Check it out! It's called, "Does the Pooch Need a Chiropractor?" He had a full page story of himself with beautiful pictures!
Brady and Ferguson, despite how awesome they are, are little trouble makers. Brady enjoys eating Uggs. He thinks they are stuffed animals. When you come home, Brady always greets you! He brings you gifts, like pieces of my plants, socks, and leaves. Ferguson eats EVERYTHING. He has eaten: full bananas, bread of any loaf, pizza dough, chocolate covered gummy bears, duraflame logs, tin cans, dog poop, knitting needles, game pieces, whole avocados, sandwiches left unattended, and he likes to destroy Brady's stuffed animals. Don't have time to pay attention to Ferguson? Well, he's going to poop right next to you, and it's going to be big, and smell really bad. In his mind, "That'll teach ya!" Despite their bad habits, they are so good at heart, really. I am never lonely. I never cry alone. They are very protective of us. I always have fun with them. Their favorite thing to do: Car rides with the windows down. You can't go wrong. They also like fetch, belly rubs, and snuggle time. They are also fans of TV shows.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Superwoman
I am an artist
I am a teacher
I am a daughter
I am the mother of two dogs
I am a sister
I am a student
I am an athlete
I am a business owner/manager
I am a waitress
I am a book keeper
I am a yearbook adviser
I am a house cleaner
I am a girlfriend
I am someone's best friend
I am someone's friend
I am a cousin
I am a summer mom
I am a maid of honor
I am a writer
I am a child's organizer
I am the date keeper
I am a lover
I am Not Superwoman
I think a lot of people forget this. I have found that in the past two weeks I have catered to many things around me and have had little time left for myself. I was reminded of this when I saw a friend of mine while frantically getting myself lunch at the local coffee/catering shop. When I saw her, I couldn't even get my thoughts straight enough to say a simple, "Hello." A dumb complaint came out instead. She once told me that it's okay to put my "cape" away and be myself. Hopefully my brain and body will last through the night so that I may do that.
I am a teacher
I am a daughter
I am the mother of two dogs
I am a sister
I am a student
I am an athlete
I am a business owner/manager
I am a waitress
I am a book keeper
I am a yearbook adviser
I am a house cleaner
I am a girlfriend
I am someone's best friend
I am someone's friend
I am a cousin
I am a summer mom
I am a maid of honor
I am a writer
I am a child's organizer
I am the date keeper
I am a lover
I am Not Superwoman
I think a lot of people forget this. I have found that in the past two weeks I have catered to many things around me and have had little time left for myself. I was reminded of this when I saw a friend of mine while frantically getting myself lunch at the local coffee/catering shop. When I saw her, I couldn't even get my thoughts straight enough to say a simple, "Hello." A dumb complaint came out instead. She once told me that it's okay to put my "cape" away and be myself. Hopefully my brain and body will last through the night so that I may do that.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
10 years, friends, and love
Saturday, April 28, 2012
How Did I End Up Here?
I did it, I finally found one. My students always ask what I do, and well, when I think about, I do so much that it's hard to explain. I don't really ever brag about myself because I think it's lame, but recently, a wonderful friend of mine, Anne Marie, told me that I'm so very talented that I should just shine my wonderful self all over the place.
So, first things first! I titled this, "Jackie Goes Green" not because I'm some crazy person that has been poisoning the earth with crap for 27 years and have finally decided to clean my act up, but because of many different reasons. Green is my favorite color. It's been my favorite color since I can remember. I have a memory of when I use to live in Leicester MA as a small child sitting on the counter with my mom and picking out food coloring for some cupcakes. My grandfather was around and the three of us decided that green food coloring was the way to go because it was my favorite color. Every time I think of my favorite color, I think of them.
Next, if you walk into my house, you'll notice that I've basically got a jungle in my living room. I have all kinds of plants. Some were my mom's plants when she was alive, some are Luther's, some were Sophie's, some were given to me, some came from stealth missions in friend's restaurants where I took clippings, and a couple I bought. Every single one of my plants has a story, be it a memory, or the person who gave it to me, or how it came into my life. Every time I look at the plant, I am reminded of the person. My plants are like my photo album, they are almost the most valuable possession I have.
Have you ever been to outside of my home? Well, two winters ago I decided I wanted to become a gardener. I took an herb class from Cedar Spring Herb Farm and decided that I could grow the stuff myself. So, Luther built me a green house, or hoop house whichever you prefer to call it, and attached it to the garage. Then, I decided I needed a bigger garden, so my dad expanded it. Last summer, half my plants died because there wasn't enough sunlight, so we cut down a whole bunch of trees. Then I decided that I didn't like how the backyard looked, so dad demolished the backyard, moved the shed, built me a garden shed, and once again, EXPANDED THE GARDEN. I no longer have a garden, I think I have a farm. I'm just missing the animals. I started a bunch of seeds this winter for the first time, and found out that I'm pretty good at this growing thing. I now have too many plant starts, and not enough greenhouse space. Guess it's time to expand again.........
So the last part of my name comes from a realization I had last Monday with my friend Anne Marie. I thought about why I'm here. Not why I'm here as in at a particular place at a particular time, but why, out of all the little swimmers that could have turned into my mom and dad's kid, why me? What's the purpose of my presence? Deep, huh? Well, this is what I have come up with. I think the world is sorta screwed right now. It's not balanced. People are totally out of their element and destroying this amazing creation called Earth. Something got screwed up and people are straying away from beauty. The world is beautiful. Think about it, a big mass floating around with billions of different creations that are unique and amazing. No other planet has that. We weren't put here to destroy, be sick, be miserable, hate, etc. We were put here to make sure everything stays beautiful and add to the beauty around here, and so far, we're crushing it, in the bad way. I'm not saying everyone, but the vast majority. My whole life I have taught. I have taught swimming, skiing, stained glass, math, science, English, history, children, old people, teenagers, middle aged people, and the list goes on. I love teaching. I'm pretty good at it. I wasn't taught how to teach. I was a teacher before I went to school for teaching (college was just the formality society makes you do). So, I look at my talents, I can grow a mean plant, I can grow a mean indoor jungle, I can make beautiful windows out of glass, I can relate to almost every type of person, I love looking outside, and Yoga - well yoga is my next great adventure that I'm working on (this will be another entry). Deep down, I think my purpose here is to help fix the screwed up, off balance, beautiful world we will in. I think I'm meant to teach everyone and everything about beauty.
So, here is how I'm starting my worldly lessons, with this blog. It's a small step. It might be a weird step, but it's a step. I'm not on this world to be a working machine, I'm here to shine light.
So I'll leave you with two things today. A picture of my favorite flower. It's a Borage flower. Usually they are blue or purple, but this one is unique, it's pink! It came from a seed from a plant from the year before from Matt's Organic Gardens where Sophie helped plant everything. Sophie loved Borage, and I plant it every year, to remind me of a beautiful person who was taken too early. This one was from her.
The last thing I leave you with is a excerpt from something Anne Marie gave me. It's called "Our Deepest Fear" from A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of a Course in Miracles by Marianne Williamson.
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
"Actually, who are you not to be?
"You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
Have a wonderful day!
So, first things first! I titled this, "Jackie Goes Green" not because I'm some crazy person that has been poisoning the earth with crap for 27 years and have finally decided to clean my act up, but because of many different reasons. Green is my favorite color. It's been my favorite color since I can remember. I have a memory of when I use to live in Leicester MA as a small child sitting on the counter with my mom and picking out food coloring for some cupcakes. My grandfather was around and the three of us decided that green food coloring was the way to go because it was my favorite color. Every time I think of my favorite color, I think of them.
Next, if you walk into my house, you'll notice that I've basically got a jungle in my living room. I have all kinds of plants. Some were my mom's plants when she was alive, some are Luther's, some were Sophie's, some were given to me, some came from stealth missions in friend's restaurants where I took clippings, and a couple I bought. Every single one of my plants has a story, be it a memory, or the person who gave it to me, or how it came into my life. Every time I look at the plant, I am reminded of the person. My plants are like my photo album, they are almost the most valuable possession I have.
Have you ever been to outside of my home? Well, two winters ago I decided I wanted to become a gardener. I took an herb class from Cedar Spring Herb Farm and decided that I could grow the stuff myself. So, Luther built me a green house, or hoop house whichever you prefer to call it, and attached it to the garage. Then, I decided I needed a bigger garden, so my dad expanded it. Last summer, half my plants died because there wasn't enough sunlight, so we cut down a whole bunch of trees. Then I decided that I didn't like how the backyard looked, so dad demolished the backyard, moved the shed, built me a garden shed, and once again, EXPANDED THE GARDEN. I no longer have a garden, I think I have a farm. I'm just missing the animals. I started a bunch of seeds this winter for the first time, and found out that I'm pretty good at this growing thing. I now have too many plant starts, and not enough greenhouse space. Guess it's time to expand again.........
So the last part of my name comes from a realization I had last Monday with my friend Anne Marie. I thought about why I'm here. Not why I'm here as in at a particular place at a particular time, but why, out of all the little swimmers that could have turned into my mom and dad's kid, why me? What's the purpose of my presence? Deep, huh? Well, this is what I have come up with. I think the world is sorta screwed right now. It's not balanced. People are totally out of their element and destroying this amazing creation called Earth. Something got screwed up and people are straying away from beauty. The world is beautiful. Think about it, a big mass floating around with billions of different creations that are unique and amazing. No other planet has that. We weren't put here to destroy, be sick, be miserable, hate, etc. We were put here to make sure everything stays beautiful and add to the beauty around here, and so far, we're crushing it, in the bad way. I'm not saying everyone, but the vast majority. My whole life I have taught. I have taught swimming, skiing, stained glass, math, science, English, history, children, old people, teenagers, middle aged people, and the list goes on. I love teaching. I'm pretty good at it. I wasn't taught how to teach. I was a teacher before I went to school for teaching (college was just the formality society makes you do). So, I look at my talents, I can grow a mean plant, I can grow a mean indoor jungle, I can make beautiful windows out of glass, I can relate to almost every type of person, I love looking outside, and Yoga - well yoga is my next great adventure that I'm working on (this will be another entry). Deep down, I think my purpose here is to help fix the screwed up, off balance, beautiful world we will in. I think I'm meant to teach everyone and everything about beauty.
So, here is how I'm starting my worldly lessons, with this blog. It's a small step. It might be a weird step, but it's a step. I'm not on this world to be a working machine, I'm here to shine light.So I'll leave you with two things today. A picture of my favorite flower. It's a Borage flower. Usually they are blue or purple, but this one is unique, it's pink! It came from a seed from a plant from the year before from Matt's Organic Gardens where Sophie helped plant everything. Sophie loved Borage, and I plant it every year, to remind me of a beautiful person who was taken too early. This one was from her.
The last thing I leave you with is a excerpt from something Anne Marie gave me. It's called "Our Deepest Fear" from A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of a Course in Miracles by Marianne Williamson.
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
"Actually, who are you not to be?
"You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
Have a wonderful day!
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